Diagnosing loved ones based on articles or online checklists can damage relationships and block real understanding. This piece explores why labels often do more harm than good and how self‑reflection creates healthier change.

Author’s Note:

I originally wrote this piece during a time when headlines about “narcissistic abuse” and “how to spot a narcissist” seemed to appear everywhere. It was a cultural moment when the term “narcissist” was being applied to partners, parents, coworkers, and anyone who disappointed or frustrated someone. The frequency of those headlines has faded, but the underlying issue remains relevant.

When A Label Becomes a Shortcut

Every now and then, I come across an article with a title that makes me pause. One in particular read, “So, You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist. Avoid These Actions.” I clicked, partly out of curiosity and partly because I already knew what I would find. It was a familiar blend of pop psychology, sweeping statements, and a tone that encouraged readers to diagnose the people closest to them. And as expected, it offered a simple label for something that is rarely simple.

After more than two decades in private practice, I have seen the consequences of this trend. Diagnosing a complex personality pattern is not something that can be done after reading a few articles or watching a video. It requires a thorough, thoughtful assessment by someone trained to do it. That is not because therapists are gatekeepers. It is because human behavior is layered, contextual, and deeply influenced by history, temperament, stress, and relational patterns. A checklist cannot capture that.

Why We Cannot Diagnose the People Closest to Us

Even with all my training, I do not diagnose my own loved ones. None of us can see the people closest to us with complete clarity. We are part of the picture, not standing outside of it. Our own experiences and blind spots, among other influences, shape what we see. That is why diagnosing the people we love is not only inaccurate. It is often harmful, even when we are not trying to be.

A Real Example of How This Goes Wrong

Some time ago, I worked with someone who came into my office convinced their partner was a narcissist. They brought printed articles, highlighted sections, and a level of certainty that left no room for conversation. They were not asking for my assessment. They were informing me of theirs. This was not a moment of temporary frustration. It had become a fixed belief that grew stronger the more they read. Every conflict became evidence. Every flaw became a symptom. Their partner became a diagnosis rather than a person. Many people arrive at this place after prolonged hurt, when certainty feels easier than sitting with confusion or vulnerability.

When I did not agree with this client, the frustration turned toward me. I remained firm and reminded them that no relationship is one-sided and no diagnosis can be made from reading a few articles or watching several videos. I also reminded them that focusing exclusively on their partner’s supposed pathology was keeping them from looking at their own pain, their own ways of relating, and their own part of the dynamic. That is the part that often gets overlooked. Labeling someone else can become a way to avoid looking inward.

Why Labels Feel Comforting

It is human nature to reach to label the other person when we are hurt or overwhelmed. Labelling them can feel like an answer. It can provide shape to something painful. It may seem to give us a story that makes sense. But it also closes the door on curiosity. 

The need for certainty can feel stabilizing, but it often oversimplifies.

Once we decide someone “is” something, we stop asking questions. We stop listening. We stop wondering what else might be true. And we stop examining ourselves, which is the only part of the equation we can actually change.

The Mirror Is Harder Than the Microscope

It is far easier to analyze someone else’s behavior than to turn that same attention inward. Honest self-reflection requires courage. It asks us to sit with discomfort and acknowledge our own contradictions. It asks us to let go of the idea that the problem is always outside of us. If you have ever tried to do real self-reflection, you know it is not quick or painless. But it is the only path that leads anywhere meaningful.

When Something Doesn’t Sit Right

If something in your relationship feels confusing or painful, then it’s worth your attention. Your experience deserves care, and so do your feelings. But the next step is not to diagnose your partner. It is to talk to someone trained to help you sort through what is happening. A therapist can help you understand what’s yours, what’s theirs, what’s between you, and what feels possible to change. And if a diagnosis is truly relevant, it will emerge through an actual assessment, not through reading articles or viewing videos.

A Better Place to Put Your Energy

Instead of labeling the people you love, try turning toward yourself with honesty and compassion. Ask what you are feeling, what you need, what ways of relating you bring into the relationship, what you may be avoiding, and what you hope someone else will fix for you. This is not about blame. It is about clarity.

In the End

Attempting to diagnose the people you love rarely leads to understanding. It usually leads to distance, resentment, and a sense of certainty that leaves no room for growth. If you are struggling in a relationship, seek support. Talk to someone who can help you sort through the complexity without reducing a whole human being to a label.

Relationships grow more easily when we stay curious about ourselves and each other. Curiosity, not certainty, is what moves relationships forward. And self-reflection, not diagnosis, is what moves you forward.